Faith and Trust

For the first time in my life, I am part of a small group at my church.

Growing up Anglican, it always seemed that one's faith was something you kept to yourself and that you worked on developing a personal relationship with God without anyone else involved, except perhaps your minister.

I married an avowed atheist (BD) in an Anglican ceremony, and spent the next 8 years attending church sporadically (increasingly so as my marriage began crumbling), but practically never with my spouse - he only went to things like the Christmas eve service, and often grudgingly.

By the time my first marriage ended, I wasn't attending church at all. I felt unworthy. I was damaged goods, and felt ashamed to be in the presence of God. After asking for, and receiving, forgiveness for my transgressions, I began to feel like I could open my heart up to taking the risk of going to church again, but I felt completely disconnected with the church I'd grown up in. They didn't seem to believe what I did anymore. I was really floundering.

Then I met Hubby.

This amazing man is the child of two pastors, and had a deep, strong well of faith. When we met, he was living 2-3 hours' drive away from me. He drove down to meet me, and by the time we saw each other in person (a whole 8 days after "meeting" online, and many, MANY hours of phone calls later), we already knew we were in love. He moved to a new community at the end of that month (17 days after we met), near to his grandmother and the church he'd attended in university. One of the first things we did together was attend church together. It felt right. I felt welcome. I was not ashamed. We liked the church, but he was already spending a lot of time in my town, and by the end of November, he had a job here, so getting out to that church was increasingly difficult. So, when he moved here, we began attending church locally, at the same denomination that he had grown up in. Again, a nice church with nice people, but there really wasn't a lot there for a family with small kids. We got involved with Sunday School, and I drove the bus, but something was missing.

When Secunda was in Grade 1, we began getting to know Secunda's best friend and her family. Her dad was pastoring at a church in the neighboring community, so we started attending there. What a difference! This church seemed to be thriving, and had a lot to offer families. Even Primus, who was questioning God and faith a lot at the time, really enjoyed it and asked when we could go back. We attended semi-regularly (it's hard to get out of the habit of sleeping in on Sundays), so weren't volunteering but were beginning to feel like it was a good fit. Then our friend lost his job there. He encouraged us to keep attending if it was the place that was working for us, so I delved deeper into their position statements to find out. When I discovered that they don't feel women should be pastoral leaders, that was it for me. My beloved mother-in-love is a pastor. No way could I support a church that would turn her away. So we were at loose ends again.

Fast forward to December of last year. We were invited to attend a Christmas party with our friends, being hosted by the church they had been attending of late. Had a great time, saw a few people I went to school with there, felt welcomed. So, when our friend was invited to preach in February, we attended to support him. And over the last 9 months, we have found our church home. We've come to be friends with not just Secunda's friend's family, but also two other couples there. We both volunteered for the VBS this summer, and had fun bringing the medieval world to life for the kids. I especially loved painting the props. Primus painted castle walls; we all dug in to make it happen and it was great!

In October, our church did 40 Days In The Word, and we were all encouraged to join a small group to go through the program with. Our friend group was split into two groups, which both shrank, so we decided to join together. In retrospect, I can really see God's hand in this, as it brought the eight of us together in a way that we could really grow together. When the study ended, we chose to keep meeting weekly, and are now doing a spiritual gift survey. We've got a Christmas party coming up in just over a week, and have had a wonderful time brainstorming to find thoughtful gifts for each person, as well as the kids.

Last night, we started the gift survey, and some pretty thought-provoking questions came up. I found myself opening up in a way that I never dreamed I would, sharing my vulnerabilities with these excellent people. And that openness was met with sensitivity, care and support. It feels so good to trust these friends with my innermost thoughts and fears, especially after so many years of holding people at arms length.

This first experience in a small group has been such a positive one. I'm so glad we all chose to continue with it. Life is good, and I have 6 great friends who make it so much better!