Missing Someone Who's Still There

I miss my brother.

Oh, he's still alive, in fact, I just texted him on Sunday.

I guess it's not so much that I simply miss him, but that I miss the relationship we had. This most recent estrangement with my father brings with it considerable collateral damage; I have no real way to maintain a relationship with my mother, as she doesn't drive or answer the phone, or check her email or go on Facebook. I've also lost the relationship with my brother due to the fact that he seems to only listen to my father's side of things. He asks to hear my side, but discounts it out of hand. And I'm tired of it. So that means I have no relationship with him. I can't trust that he'll actually listen to me.

What bothers me so much about that is that he and I had *such* a good relationship leading up to the end of my first marriage. It seems that my family chose my ex-husband over me; due to poor choices on my part, I can understand them being upset or disappointed, but to be kicked out of the house I grew up in only to have my ex invited back there in front of me is pretty damning evidence that a choice was made. The pettiness with which it was done has forever broken my relationship with my family of birth, and no amount of glue will put it back together again, at least, not in a way resembling what was there before.

Actually, I miss a lot of people that were in my life prior to the end of my first marriage. Divorce really polarizes people; they choose sides, and people get hurt. I have spent the last 6 years having to redefine who I consider family and friends, and guarding my heart from the people who said they loved me unconditionally, but clearly didn't. Things changed radically for me post-breakup, and people I trusted for most of my life are gone; what relationships remain are shells of what they were, and it seems that people didn't know what to do with me once I no longer fit into the pigeon-hole they'd placed me in. One friend actually said to me, "I don't know where to put you anymore." Put me? Don't put me anywhere. Just be my friend. I don't even want people to feel like they have to choose a side. Why? Why can you not just be friends with both people separately?

 Here's the "death toll" of relationships that came in the wake:

- my best friend, who I introduced to BD, and who chose his side;
- two very close friends, that I introduced to BD, who I have barely anything to do with anymore because they were firmly in Camp BD (and continue to socialize with him);
- a close friend (and bridesmaid at wedding #1), who I am trying to remain friends with, but it is forever changed;
- my brother;
- my mother;
- my father.

There were also a number of acquaintances who fell away. And every once in a while, I mourn for those losses.

The reason I'm dredging this up is because I have a very dear friend who is going through a break-up of her own; friends are choosing sides, even after her asking them not to; friends that were hers before her marriage who have chosen her ex. My heart aches for her, and it makes these old wounds open again and I ache for those people who walked away from me. Logically, I know that if a person would walk away from me in a time of need, they were never truly friends to begin with. I know that.

But my heart didn't get the memo.

I'm so tired of crying about 6 year old hurts.