My Journey to Hope: The Chip On My Shoulder

Thanks to the world of clip art, I have a picture of me that I'd like to share.

Me, if I were a brunette man in a business suit

Yep, that's me all over. There I am, carrying the weight of my home on my shoulders, feeling like I'm doing it all by myself. And to a large extent, I am. I'm the one who works very part-time out of the home, so I'm the one who can be here to maintain the home. I understand and accept that the bulk of the housework falls to me. Well, I'm working on it. Okay, sometimes, I'm downright resentful that the entire family leaves their stuff laying around, because it communicates an assumption that I'll clean it all up for them.

For several years now, I've tried very hard to follow FlyLady's approach to housework: that we need to let go of any resentment, bitterness and anger at our family's unwillingness to clean up after themselves, and to lovingly and joyfully do everything without any expectation that they will lift a finger to do any of it. I tried. I did. And this was the one thing I Just. Couldn't. Get. Over.

To be fair, Primus and Secunda will do housework tasks that we ask them to do. But they don't volunteer, and they're not always happy about having their book or video game disturbed to do it. And they - almost without fail - disappear to their rooms immediately after completing the task in the hope that we won't ask them to do anything else. It's the nature of teens and tweens, I know. But several family meetings and reminders should have let it trickle down that the daily chore charts on the wall aren't merely for decoration. Tertius and Quarta are little kids, and they are in possession of large doses of the arrogance of children, the innocent assumption that Mummy will just magically clean up after them.

Hubby works hard at his job, and when he comes home, he just wants to relax, and justifiably so. If I had to deal with upwards of 110 teenagers of varying degrees of self-interest and motivation every day, I'd want daily massages and milkshakes! But part of how he unwinds is by painting wargaming models and building terrain pieces for them, and that takes time, and space. And the only space we currently have for it is our kitchen table. You know, the one we eat at practically every night? And if something needs to dry, it gets left on the table.

Hubby also does the majority of the cooking, and the deal is, whoever cooks doesn't have to do the set-up or clean-up. And when I cook, that doesn't always happen (last night, for example, though I know he's not feeling well, but it still feels lopsided). Also, he and I have different views on the cooking process. His leaves empty food wrappers and cans out on the counter/table, and he tends to use more tools, pots and containers to execute the meal. I tend to have a sink of soapy water for cleaning up utensils as I go, and usually throw out the food wrappers and recycle the cans before the meal is ready.

The kids have school, and then activities after school four days a week. Four days that I have to drive them to (and on) their activities. Hang on... that means that I am out of the home four afternoons/evenings a week, overseeing swim lessons and paper routes, driving kids to their volunteer shifts and doing secondary pick-ups at the school for band practice, or glee club practice, or art club practice, or picking kids up from friends' homes after play dates, driving other kids home from play dates at our house, and getting Hubby and Primus to worship/media team rehearsals once every two weeks, and if I feel up to it, knitting night at church once a week (this is the one thing on the schedule for me, though Secunda also attends). And because we are currently a one vehicle family, we add taking Hubby to and from his job as well. And the pick-up time is variable from day to day, based on his workload, and what I need to get the kids to.

So, I do the vast majority of the work ensuring the kids are ready to go every weekday morning (and every Sunday that we attend church), drive them all to school, do whatever errands and housework I can while they're in school, work my part-time job, volunteer with our church's outreach program once or twice a month, then do all the school pick-ups, paper routes, trips to Wally World (Wal-Mart) and the like, oversee the kids' chores, then either make dinner or do the clean-up from dinner. Then it's time for bedtime routines, stories, snuggles, and bedtime kisses. I have actually very little time day to day that is not eaten up with doing for someone else. I have one day a week that I have reserved for something I call Mother's Little Sanity Break, where I invite friends to drop in and enjoy tea and intelligent conversation with other grown-ups, and we sometimes do awesome things like make mirepoix! But that only works if people show up, and over the last year, that happens less and less frequently, and I am finding it demoralizing to the point that I am considering cancelling it altogether ETA: I have put it on hiatus through April).

And when I end up feeling resentful as a result of these things, I end up feeling bad about feeling resentful. It just kind of sucks any way you slice it.

So I need to make a significant change in how I view our home, and my role in it. I need to start viewing the cleaning and de-cluttering that I do as something for me, for my peace of mind, and my enjoyment. And to hell with everyone else. They can enjoy it, but I'm not doing it for them anymore; I'm doing it for me, because I'm worth it, and I deserve to have my home look the way I want it to. And I think this change in approach will give me a stronger sense of satisfaction, because I'm doing something for my own happiness and well-being, and the associated benefits for the rest of the family are gravy. To be clear, I am in no way planning to do less; I will likely end up doing more. But the new outlook will hopefully enable me to feel less resentment. I'll improve what I can improve, and stop stressing about what others are resistant to. The point of this is to create peace, not relational strain.

Are you ready to have a peaceful home? I sure am.